I’m constantly self-reflective when it comes to my life, my personality, reputation, and the work I do. Despite how I seem, I’m very insecure and soft. I know my personality doesn’t mesh well with others, my face is tough despite me being easily hurt, and how much I do prevents people from feeling like they can reach out and just be friends with me. I’ve had bridges burned and don’t know how to fix it and so it just eats at me and I feel myself shrinking when sometimes it wasn’t my fault. I avoid, I keep to myself, because I don’t know what to do.
I’m bad at having a personal life.
It’s all a hard balance. I hate conflict, I hate that people don’t like me, I hate that it’s hard for me to let my guard down. But I’ll keep doing the work because even if I’m alone, I know I can at least do something for others. I’ve been having to balance putting everyone first, making events for other artists, constantly creating things for others to enjoy versus just sitting and making art for myself. I feel like my identity is more about being an event coordinator and less about being an actual artist and it’s something I’m working on.
Balance. It’s always balance when it comes to me.
I know have the ability to make events about anything I want. Love Ghibli? I made a Totoro event. Weird art and bones? Oddities Art Market. Over the Garden Wall? Doing a fall party for it. My true love and passion, Persephone? Having a Persephone focused cocktail party. Before I would have to contact people to try and make it happen and now I can just do it. Unlimited possibilities means I just want to do everything. June was first with like 5 different events along with building an entire immersive interactive gallery.
I’m on the verge of burning out. I know it. But I just want to create and have so many ideas I don’t know what to do with it. I want to get artists together and each of us create little book nooks and have a gallery. I want a Sailor Moon party. I want to keep building immersive rooms. And I can do that now. But I have to pace myself and be patient and that’s my number one weakness. If anyone knows me personally, once I get an idea I’m go go go go go. Vending machine idea early November? I have my first vending machine on Thanksgiving. Friends want to make an oddities event? Oddities Art Market in less than 2 months.
I need to breathe. When I had the idea for Snap, I thought that maybe because it was a collab that it’ll be easier than Body Horror and Tulpa. Instead I decided to go bigger than anything before and it was a LOT. But it also came out so beautifully. I’m so proud of the work my collaborating artists have done. Each time I have done interactive galleries, they get better and better and I love that. (You can check out images on my Solo Exhibit pages). So do I slow down and miss out on the growth or do I suffer through it because the end justifies the means? I don’t know.
At the end of July, it’ll be an end of an era. I’m moving to a new house, leaving my small little cottage house that was my safe haven and going to a place with a dishwasher, a nice yard for the dogs, and in a better neighborhood. I’m moving into my own studio at the same time. I’m gonna permanently share it with just one person and have guest artists rent out from us and do classes and workshops and more events. We’re gonna build a room in it and be able to do interactive immersive rooms and switch them out every few months. We’re bringing back Ladies Night at Star Comics and changing it to An Evening at Star Comics and making it fully inclusive to Nonbinary, Transgendered women and men, and men. I may be starting tattoo apprenticing! Weird but cool!
Things are changing. I’m learning to deal with that but it’s a bit bittersweet.
I feel like I’m saying goodbye to the old me. The girl who stayed in her little green house, sad and focused on the past, not knowing who she was anymore. I know what I want now, I have new goals and I’m realistic about what I can accomplish.
Maybe I won’t leave Lubbock, Maybe this is where I’m suppose to be. If I can’t change that, I can change my surroundings and I’m working on that. I’m gonna keep trying to make Lubbock better. I’m gonna try and be happy here, doing things I love, loving my animals, creating art, and connecting artists together. I’m going to try new things and sometimes they don’t work out. Sometimes you have to say you tried and let go of things. You can at least say you tried and move on.
Things change, people change, but that’s not a bad thing. Sometimes it’s just growth.
So to a new era, a new house, a new studio, a new life.
-Sam <3