Things change so fast. It’s taken me a while to write something up, but I wanted things to settle and give myself the space to breathe. Because I needed it. I haven’t taken a deep breath in almost a year and it’s amazing how you’re able to think once you do.
I’m going to preface this by saying I’m just going to talk about my experiences because I need to make peace with this part of my life and move on. I’m not going to get into details and all that bullshit because while I technically don’t have an NDA, enough people sniff around my shit and spread it and I just don’t want to deal with it all. I never wanted to be a “public persona”, I just wanted to make cool things. I’m actually WILDLY uncomfortable being recognized and being a “known” person and if I could do everything anonymously I would. I don’t want the clout. But my name means people know my experience and what I do and there’s merit in that.
Which is partly why I carry such an immense amount of guilt over this project. Because people did want to be a part of it and support it because of me. They wanted to work with me and learn from me and it feels like I dragged them into the mud.
I’ve always taken care of people. I was the mother hen in my friend group and would bug my dad when he would go out to the bars about driving safe and not drinking too much. I worry about others more than I worry about myself. Even when I have no money, I’ll still try to give and get someone food or support someone. I’m self destructive in a different way.
Going into my previous business, my main focus was taking care of the local artists and giving them opportunities. I wanted them to fall in love and learn skills pertaining to Interactive art and be able to get their names out there. Everything I did has been about giving artists opportunities. Everyone has a story to tell and that was at the very heart of the concept. It was a story focused on stories. It was going to be everything I loved tied together. Immersion, world building, stories and visual medium, and being able to escape the real world for a few hours. And everyone had so many amazing ideas and I was watching these artists figure things out and build these large installs and I was (and still am) so so proud of them. My main regret is I’ll never get to see it all actualized how we wanted.
I knew from the beginning it was going to be hard and I told them that. I’ve done a smaller scale of this type of things before and it was INCREDIBLY difficult. But I wasn’t just an artist, I was a part of a business and I put far more trust in other people than I probably should of. I don’t know the ins and outs of legal brick and mortar businesses. I’ve been a business owner and event organizer for a decade but I deferred to others I believed had the experience to lead that aspect. I should have asked more questions, but it wasn’t my money so I felt uncomfortable pressing. I’ve been poor my whole life and very much a starving artist so it wasn’t an avenue I was familiar with.
It’s been a thing with me that I trust people too much. I’m gullible and I believe the best in other people. It happens again and again and I constantly get after myself for somehow managing to be involved with compulsive liars. My second best friend in Junior and High School lied about everything and even though I knew they were lies, I let it go. It happens like a cycle with me. But when you involve money and attention, it can twist so much and it affects more than you. It’s the same thing that resulted in me stepping away from The Moonlight Market. I did so much work because asking for someone to take part of the load would always fall through and I would end up doing it all anyways. But then I was made to feel so small and would have to clean up other people’s messes and it felt like I was the problem for taking up too much of the limelight when I never asked for it.
I don’t want the clout, just the respect and those are two different things.
I hate confrontation, I hate having to mediate between two sides that are my friends, I hate having to be a “boss” and get after people and feel like I couldn’t even leave without things falling apart. It was my entire life. I didn’t see friends, I didn’t go out of town to visit family, I didn’t do anything. My entire retirement went into this project and I was working 5 jobs to cover my own bills and the business’ and artist supplies and getting people paid. None of what the business made went to me ever. I let myself struggle to ease the struggle of others.
The thing I hate the most is how now that I’ve left, people have mentioned how obvious it was I was deteriorating. I was beyond stretched thin, I was making myself physically ill, and my mental health was severely low. I was very much not okay in any aspect. My car was behind payments, I didn’t have groceries, my internet kept getting turned off, and I was giving and giving and giving even when my cup was empty because this was my dream. It was months and months of work and I was trying to take care of everyone and I didn’t want to let anyone down. I went to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack but it was stress pains. I couldn’t sleep and was having panic attacks constantly. My lupus finally activated due to stress so I was sick all the time and felt guilty about being sick. My friends can attest that I was breaking down crying every week.
I have KP and I skin pick when anxious. My body is a myriad of scars from the stress I was under to the point people around me have to smack my hands when they see me doing it. I remember Marisa seeing me for the first time and just saying “Oh no, what did you do to yourself?” because it was so bad. My body dysphoria has gotten 10x worse now because I have so many scars. It was a different form of self-harm.
I wasn’t okay but I felt I had to tough it out because it felt like if I fell apart everything would. I couldn’t ask for help because no one else could take it on. I didn’t want any of it but I didn’t have a choice. Everyone and everything was relying on me. Artists wouldn’t get paid if I didn’t push constantly and we had to make progress and I had to run social media, make graphics, advertise, respond to emails and messages, keep track of inventory, have install meetings, cover the front, cover the back, plan the next month, find money for materials, keep asking about what was happening with bills, make new product, organize supplies, build 7 installs, etc.
I was single and alone. I didn’t have a partner or kids or anyone that depended on me personally so everyone was higher on the priority list.
Life will tell you sometimes if you’ve chosen the wrong path. I finally had quit my job and went full time and was starting this brand new business with friends but it didn’t feel like it. I was working 60 hours a week, always connected online, and issue after issue after issue kept hitting me. Our first building fell through, my retirement was delayed, I got attacked by dogs, Ryder had a stroke, the power would get shut off, money went missing, issues with artists, issues with property managers, issues with bills, issues with everything. And once I left, it was like the universe started lining up. I had an amazing time at Oddities & Curiosities Expo in Dallas. I got accepted into multiple out of state shows. My body has been feeling better and everyone said I looked so much better. I've made more art this month than the past year and I’m hanging out with friends and my tattoos are getting better.
I was on the wrong path for a while but course has been corrected.
I tried my hardest. No one can say that I didn’t fucking try. And the catalyst was I finally tried to stand up and bring up concerns and wanted accountability because it had become such a toxic place for everyone. It was the opposite of a safe space for people who feel like outsiders, for artists, for neurospicy queer people. We were becoming KNOWN for being a toxic work environment and I was so deeply embarrassed about that because my purpose was to take care of the artists. Their lives were so negatively effected and I had failed them.
That’s all I had wanted to do from the start but I trusted other people’s experience and should have pressed harder for transparency and accountability from the start. I just wanted things to get better so it could live up to what it was suppose to be but it became very clear the foundation was rotted and nothing was going to change. It became a source of dread for everyone involved coming in and I couldn’t keep killing myself for other people.
So I left. And if you really know me, you know I don’t leave something unless it’s a big reason.
I put other people’s wellbeing over myself and got taken advantage of and in turn people under me got taken advantage of.
Once I left and saw the fallout, I’m not sure what I expected. I knew it would impact things but I thought it would be professional at least. I didn’t expect for everything to get blamed on me and basically being defamed and awful fucking things said to people I consider friends and acquaintances. For someone to say I’m against the LGBTQIA+ community, Lubbock Pride, and Drag and I didn’t want any of that involved stabbed a knife into me as the granddaughter of a Queer Woman of Color and one herself. For someone to paint me as a controlling tyrant that needed control of everything and the finances and our art had me so angry. Because it came from people that knew me closely.
And that’s what hurt the most.
I shared my vulnerabilities and was hurt in those spots.
All I wanted was to be done. I had to say goodbye to all the hard work I did over 10 months, goodbye to these artists I had made connections with, goodbye to something whose concept was so deeply important to me. And you know what, that’s okay. Because despite what they told me to try and get me to stay, I’m not giving up on my dream. I can still go after it, maybe in the future but the right way. Those artists I got to know have been so incredibly supportive and have all still kept in contact as friends, cheering me on and me in turn. We’ve even gotten to chat about non-work stuff for once and it’s been so nice. And now I’ve gotten to work on healthy routines for myself, my own art career, and a tattoo artist! I’ve never had so many people cheer for me just getting sleep for once lol.
I mourn the loss of possibility. I mourn what could have been, that original dream, and how close I came to seeing it realized. I mourn the bonds and friendships I thought I had. But I’ve learned over my life that friends don’t let you die slow deaths then say they’re your fault. They don’t keep loading up your plate because they’re having a bad day with little care if you are in a bad state to take it. They don’t take when you are empty and then blame you for being empty. Things will line up when they’re meant to and the future has room for all those possibilities to happen in the right way.
My dreams are still intact and I’ll still go after them.
I’m always going to be the villain in someone’s story. I’ve just learned not to care because it’s not a story that needs my attention. Following the advice of some of my friends, I’m developing a backbone. It is flimsy but it’s there. I may be meek but I snap when pushed. I’m not going to regret standing up for myself and others.
Failure isn’t a bad thing. It just means not right now.
So now I get to move forward. I’m making again. I’m taking time for myself. I’m happy.
-Sam <3
““You know what happens when you dream of falling? Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.” ”