It’s been a bit. I wrestled with the idea of an update but couldn’t figure out what to write. What of importance has happened? Or has nothing really, but this could be more of just an “hey I’m alive” type of update.
I guess more the latter than former. At least, the things of importance are more personal than I wish to share on a public blog.
Life doesn’t stop. There is no pause so you can catch your breath and get your shit together. It keeps moving and it’s like trying to hold an armful of apples or oranges and keeping them from falling but you’re on one of those moving hallway escalators and if you stop gravity will pull you down.
You have to keep moving. Even when it feels like you’re holding chaos in your arms and you’re exhausted and drained and someone keeps sneaking up and kicking your legs out and you only want stability. You have no choice. Keep moving.
There are good days and bad days. Days where things are fine and I’m productive and the dogs are happy and there’s no weight on my chest. I think, okay life isn’t so bad and I can do this.
Then there are bad days where every mistake or accident or inconvenience feels like the universe smashing me with a hammer and I’m so so tired, but the animals need attention and they’re all fighting and I just want to sleep and cry. I wrote a comic about those days.
Some days are fine, some days are a reminder of how much things have changed. Accomplishes and tragedies, both to bare alone. I’ve felt that a lot this week.
Things are healing but I’m still a little raw. I wonder when that “time heals all wounds” shit is going to kick in. Right now it feels like eternity.
My main focus is getting my own place. Something new, something mine with no attachments or memories. A place I can breathe and hide away from the world when it’s tough and the animals can roam and I can paint and be surrounded by my things. Something in the world I can control. I need that. But that takes money which I do not have. I’ve been trying to find more and more ways to raise it. Deposits, start up fees, application fees, pet fees. It’s expensive to get the place, not to keep it.
So I’m doing events again. Trying to do commissions. Thinking up fundraising ideas like shirts and trying to think of ways to make low cost prints. Money and time, two things I have little control over but I have to make it work.
I didn’t do too good with Inktober. Overly ambitious and too much going on. I underestimated how different this October would feel, how emotional it would be, and bit off more than I could chew. But I’m trying not to be too hard on myself. I made some good art and I can try to finish the rest later.
Besides that, I’ve been going to see more movies, with people or on my own. It’s nice sitting two hours in the darkness, alone and losing yourself in a story. Went to a few shows and parties. I’ve never been the person to go to shows and it’s weird. I don’t know the protocol and feel awkward but I have to remind myself that I’m in my 20’s and need to experience things and sometimes it’s not all bad. Brave the awkwardness, step out of yourself for a while. I’m making an effort.
I’ve suddenly gotten into poetry, which isn’t something I’ve been into before. I’m more of a novel person. I found a book of poems and sat on my floor, reading them and started crying. It’s strange reading someone else’s words, someone that doesn’t know you but have them feel like they’re talking to you. Talking to your anxiety, insecurities, that feeling of comparison and not being enough, talking to your worth. My experience is not uncommon and it’s nice to be reminded of that.
This shouldn’t have surprised me. I create with words too, only a different kind. I know their power.
I’m trying to get back to eating healthy. It’s been an effort. My main objective food-wise has been “just eat anything.” I blogged before about my body-image and trying to lose weight and a positive/negative of all the changes these past few months (stress/new birth control/breakup) is I dropped 30 lbs. Positive because, I mean, that’s what I had worked most of the year for, negative because it was an unhealthy weight-loss and now I’m trying to just maintain weight. I don’t like the weight loss. It had a reverse effect and made me kinda insecure because I imagine it being a reflection of my mental health. A mess. But I’m working on it now. Still a Pescatarian. Slowly trying to work out again. It’s all an effort.
The animals are good. Being trouble makers. We celebrated 4 different birthdays: Almond, Pumpkaboo, Frankie, and Leon. My Fall babies. They were good days and I’m grateful that we’re still able to have family celebrations. People can say “oh they’re just pets”, but I’m around them every day and I can see when they’re more excited and happy than usual. Making sure they have those good days is a goal.
Besides that, life is life. I made a bucket list of things I wanted to focus on and better about myself and am working on that. Trying to read more books, learn Spanish, work on my art, spend time reflecting every day either with yoga or meditation or tarot. The animals and me are first priority and I want to do what I can to take of myself.
Holiday season is coming up so I’m hoping the shop gets busier. I have a couple commissions to work on and Christmas presents to make. I’m going to be doing a short run of on-demand shirts soon. Plans and plans and taking a day at a time.
Things will get better. I have to hope for that. It feels like everything is constantly in flex so all I can do is try to keep myself on my feet. It’s the most I can hope for.
If you want to see my Inktobers, you can check out my Instagram.
If you wanna help out, you can buy some of my art at Etsy.
And if you wanna be nice, you donate to my Ko-Fi account.
I’m not a fan of asking for help, but I’m in a hard spot and don’t have many qualms left.
Thank you all for your comments and messages. I love you.