I turn 28 in a couple of days.
Birthdays have always been a big deal to me. I love my birthday. Since I was little, I would plan months ahead of time what I wanted to do and who was invited and the whole shebang. Themes, food, everything. Every year, I planned my own party and it was always a party-party. It was the one day I didn’t feel bad celebrating me but even then, I wanted everyone I loved around me and happy too. We played video games, slept over, watched trash movies and stayed up all night chatting.
I got older, a little jaded. For once I wanted other people to plan the party. I always put in the hard work and I wanted to feel like it was a big deal for other people. And people did in various ways and then bigger ways once the Boy got involved. I haven’t had to really plan my own birthday in a few years. It was nice to let go of control to people I love.
The sharp contrast of last year, that magic of visiting Santa Fe and Meow Wolf and just being so excited and inspired and dreaming up big things versus this year is jolting. I’ve changed, situations have changed, I’m different. So different. I’m stuck between the old and new me, wanting to feel that appreciation, like I’m not forgotten, but also just wanting to slip unnoticed and be left alone. I want to sleep the whole day away, covered in the love of my warm, big dogs, and act like the day isn’t happening. It’s just another day. If it’s another day, I don’t have to feel the contrast.
28 years old.
There’s a lot of things going on, more than just the obvious big change. I’m tired. At some point, I just got tired of people. Got tired of playing nice and interacting. I don’t want to. For the first time in a while, all my deadlines and things are finished. There is nothing on my plate and that’s fine because it means I can just… be for a while. Just exist without pressure and guilt because god forbid, I’m not working.
There’s no big goal. I don’t know what I’m going to do next month or the month after that, much less in a year or years down the line. It’s odd. My entire life there’s always been a carrot in front of me. At some point, the carrot fell off the string and I didn’t notice and now I’m standing here with nothing to chase.
Eventually I’ll replace it. But for now, I don’t want to.
That’s mostly the reason why I haven’t made any Goals posts. I don’t even know what I’d write.
I’m in a new house. That’s been my main focus for a while and now I have it and I don’t know what to do. It helps, having my own place, but it doesn’t fix all my problems. It feels cold, empty. Less animals now. I try to decorate and adjust and make things feel how I want them to, warm and a sanctuary that I can hibernate in. Try to make it feel just a small bit like the Pumpkin House did. But it doesn’t yet.
I wonder if it’s the house or just me.
There’s a lot I have to face and deal with. It’s not like I haven’t been trying. I try so hard that my lack of result is frustrating. It’s hard switching focuses, especially when refocusing to yourself.
Each day is a new challenge to get through. Too much change going on and I’ve never coped with change well. Pumpkaboo and Demo are living in their new home. I’m sure that’s contributing a bit to the emptiness the house feels. Leon and Almond start their new routine next week of staying between both houses. Those dogs have changed so much. Almond has to be pressed up against me constantly, laying on me or next to me, in my arms, and always giving her own little aggressive kisses. Leon too though if anything, he’s more attached to Almond. Follows her lead, sleeps on or against her. They’ve been my safety blanket. Not sure I’m ready for that.
Changes. Lots of changes coming. And it all takes time.
There is so little control we have on our lives. It’s the risk of letting other people in. Family, friends, partners. You give them a piece of control every time you open yourself up. Life right now is a careening car, flying down the streets with no brakes. There’s no stopping it and the only control I have is steering left or right. But anything could happen and send it crashing. I don’t control the destination, the bumps, the speed, anything really. I can only hang on.
I don’t have any grand plans for 2019. It’s been pretty damn rough so far and by setting the bar low, maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised. But it’s going to be hard. It’s reality. 2019 is going to be a very hard year and I have to become a different me to get through it. I use to be so strong that it would keep people out. Then I became so soft I let anyone in. I can’t be that anymore.
I guess that’ll have to be the new focus.
No real resolutions or goals or motivations. Just….survive. Get through this hump. Change.
Everything else has changed, might as well do it too.
I’ve got a lot of soul searching to do. A lot of adjusting. Probably some medication. It’s scary. Everything is scary and I’ve got a little rabbit heart right now. But this car isn’t stopping and there’s no time like the present to learn to be a lion.
28. The second perfect number in mathematics.
28 in Hebrew Gematria is koakh meaning "power."
Twenty-eight. “In Jewish tradition there is a 28-year solar cycle in which the sun returns to its place in Creation every 28 solar years.“
“In numerology, every number has an inherent meaning, a certain essence…The predominant meaning/essence of 28 is self-determination.”
I planted some new seeds. We’ll see how they grow.