A lot of what I do is on social media. It's in front of other people's faces and grows by people's likes and comments and shares. It's about image.
It's a double edged sword. I need the exposure to further my art and the reach but also it means I'm subject to seeing how well other people's lives are going. The vacations, the new achievements, how well artists are doing working full time, engagements, weddings, new looks, new outfits, etc.
It's a lot. Jealousy is a human emotion and so is comparison. So it's natural to weigh your own life against other people's and to be found wanting.
I had a hard day in class on Sunday. I'm bigger than everyone else. I also haven't adequately worked out in a year. I'm working on all of this, but it gets frustrating. I see other people being able to do things that I know I can do, but my body can't handle. I lost stamina, I got tired. I couldn't do it.
I went home mad at myself. I was mad at my body. I was mad for the rest of the day. I wanted to be lean and good at silks and be able to handle it all as easily as they were.
And no matter how many times people told me it's because the others worked out more or had more practice and it takes time, I couldn't stop being mad.
A few days later, I realize I'm being ridiculous and have instead used that anger into working harder. I do push ups every day. We started walking the dogs on days we aren't hired to dog walk. I'm finding small things to improve myself.
I had this same problem a few months ago when my depression was rearing back up. I was letting go of events and that meant I was less involved in the art scene. Everyone's art was better than mine, everyone was getting invited to do events and making new things and hanging out and being friends and I was stuck in a rut. It was only when I made myself a schedule and projects and focused on myself that things got better and I stopped feeling like that.
So the simple answer to it all was: stop comparing and focus on you. Yes, everyone is living their own life, but mine is pretty great. I'm close to being down to 140 lbs after 2 months (that's 8lbs which is small but yay!), I've been getting commissions, I'm working on comics, I'm filming again, we're getting healthy, and things are going good. I decided I wanted to get back into taking pictures and hanging out with friends and post things no matter what people think.
I like art. I like blogging and making goals and talking books and posting witchy things. I like moody pictures and selfies and talking about how much I adore my boyfriend. And that's okay.
The things I do, my art and pictures and videos and blogs, were never for anyone else but me. So why let other people dictate that? Who cares if people think I'm vain or post too much or don't care? It's not for them but for me. And in the end, they have no say on my life.
And you know what? It feels good to do things just for me. There will be days when yeah, other people's opinions may get to me, but those are days when maybe I need to spend more time with myself to drown them out. I'm not going to stop doing something just because someone else may not like it.
You do you.